Finding meaning and connection

 Recent days have made me reflective and I spend a lot of time looking back on better, younger , more hopeful days; yet more anxious days, days in which my emotions ran high, my expectation was higher and my inner peace was lacking. To combat my anxiety and feelings of self existential angst, I had started a blog to enable me to express my feelings and reflect out aloud. In the years that followed life had been full and busy and i had forgotten about this blog and it sat untended and unread.

I remembered this blog recently and went back to check my past posts, the lonely space on the web which is mine alone. 

The feeling was eerie, as if the me that was present in that moment was there no more, as if i was looking back to a moment in time, a moment that will never return and  I felt an overwhelming wave of nostalgia and sadness. I was reminded of an insightful comment by my older daughter when she was about 6 years old. She has always been a thoughtful child and a deep thinker and in this moment she told me how she feels disconnected from her old self. This comment caught my attention and i asked her to elaborate. She very articulately explained that each part of her life was a piece of her but since they were moments lost and gone by she could never reclaim them, hence she was not complete without these moments. In her exact words " I feel that i have lost myself and i want to find myself and put myself together again"

I was amazed at her ability to not only process her own complex feelings but also to express them so clearly. I was also deeply moved by the fact that i have felt like this before and have always felt a deep seated anxiety and restlessness which has never been resolved to date. 

I feel that somehow maybe returning to this blog and reactivating it will not only connect me with who I was and what i felt in those few posts but give me some continuity and somewhere to start from. So again I will make a commitment to myself to blog regularly and reflect on instances and feelings in life which are so fleeting and are forgotten not long after their inception. 

So much has happened and so much has changed. it will be hard but i will find that link , in the blog and in myself.