I felt oddly content today. With everything that has been going on in my life, it was strange to feel so good. I have been so angry, so bitter, i started feeling horrible and mean, feeling negative feelings about people and things who have never really hurt me. But today? It was different! really different. I don't know why. maybe it was the prospective interview, maybe it was a inner feeling that the situation can be resolved somehow. Either way i felt good about myself.
Starting from the morning when i dropped my daughter off at school , to the morning spent applying for jobs and to the evening when i felt lighthearted enough to skip with my daughter to the grocery store despite the dark and the cold.
Maybe its the feeling of Christmas in the air, the lights in the streets, the feeling of coziness in the homes, the crisp freshness in the air. Cold has always left me feeling happy and content. Even the winters in Canada were not enough to put me off and as for the dark winter days in Sweden? I remember them with a feeling of softness and nostalgia. the soft white snow on the ground, the light sky, the dim glow of the street lamps, the wonderfully fresh smell in the air, pulling my daughter to dagis in a sled, walking around town, the candles in peoples in windows, the world seemed right.
When i went back home to my country, the harsh intense heat was an immediate damper on my mood. All of a sudden i felt grouchy, antisocial and as if i didn't want to leave the house. Then came the massive feeling of depression at being confined to the house due to my own reluctance to face the heat. I have never been the kind of person to just ' deal with it'  as my mum always told me to do. so instead i just felt dark and depressed and found it more and more difficult to see what was positive in my life
 Is it possible to be allergic to sunlight? And am i crazy to feel this way? I guess weather plays a huge role in ones mood. However i know its supposed to be the opposite way around.
I wonder...but then again i wouldn't change a thing 

anywhere but here! anyone but me

So I'm back after a long time!  I just can't seem to get the hang of maintaining a blog, I started this blog with high expectations of faithfully maintaining it and establishing blogging contacts. However i never got around to it. Somehow life came in the way. Life with all the anxiety, depression, feelings of spiritual emptiness and loss of meaning. So i'm back again, back to this blog so that i can put my mixed emotions and feelings into words, maybe in order to understand them better myself.
I'm 34 now and so terribly depressed and unhappy with my life so far. I don't know why i can't accept things the way they are. Why am i  so stationary in terms my emotional, professional and social development. Why do I carry with me such rage and bitterness in my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful and supportive family, so why am i just not grateful? I follow blogs of fellow moms, I realize that others have faced greater hardships than me, have faced these hardships with much more grace and humor and honesty than i am able to.
Rather than being able to change myself and accept my lot in life,I cling to old grudges, let go of friendships and put up more and more barriers.
More than anything I feel bitterness at what others have accomplished and at my own ineptness and for that I feel hatred for myself, I feel that sometimes I would be better off dead, than i think of my daughter with sunshine and mischief in her eyes and i banish such thoughts from my mind.
I have had a lot of time for soul searching lately and i have realize something crucial, something that can explain my bitterness , my feelings of inadequacy and rage and a increasing feeling of being isolated and alone in my negativity, I thoroughly dislike myself, who I am and what I stand for, somewhere I  feel that i want to erase my identity and who i am and be someone else.
I want to change so bad but am so deep in that i can't fathom how i can get out.