Milestones

Today has been a momentous day! My daughter participated in a school function celebrating independence day! She had a line to say on stage and she said it loud and clear and well! She also looked absolutely adorable in her braids and her new shalwar kameez! I was proud , not to mention she worked really well in class even though she was taking a trip with her daddy to Lahore to visit the paternal grandparents and was super excited!!
Mama's so proud! She went off all excited later that afternoon with her little pink suitcase with her daddy. First trip without mama, momentous occasion for all of us , bitter sweet for me knowing that my little girl is growing up but also knowing that now she is ok without me, i have not been able to part with her for much of her little life but now she is branching out , making friends, enjoying cousins, looking upto her teachers and generally being able to have her own unique relationships with others!!
While i miss her , i am happy she is able to have a special impromptu vacation with her daddy , grandparents and cousin who she loves! AND mama got to finish watching Firefly and reading a book she has been wanting to read for a while!!
Here's to many other milestones in her little life that i look forward to seeing! Wonder what the next will be! Maybe riding a bike without training wheels? something she has been practicing this week??

Why is living with a five year old so hard?

When my daughter was born five years ago, an adorable wide eyed baby who i would have given my life for  (and still would) my life revolved around her. I was the mama that spent every minute of everyday with her and was reluctant to relinquish responsibility to anyone else. I just wanted to be the perfect mama, i read to her since she was a baby, talked to her incessantly, played with her and cuddled her. She was my world, my guiding light , everything i did was for her. I could dress her without a battle, feed her without struggle, she went where i wanted to go, i planned activities i thought she would enjoy, heck ! i even managed to survive two years of looking after her alone while i was a student in Sweden without losing my cool
At five , she is a feisty , independent child who does what she wants, when she wants and how she wants! She has a crazy temper and angers in less than a second!
 I love her to death but how do i manage to get her to listen to me without going crazy in the process? And now she wants a sibling! any guarantees that a second child will be easier??

Sometimes i just feel like hiding away somewhere where life isn't a persistent battle of wills. Getting her to do her homework, get dressed, eat and do what she needs to do requires hours of persuasion, coaxing and assertion of my own authority.
 i need super nanny now!! right now!!  Kids!!

M's quotes of the day! while chasing puppy! " i'll get you now!! dog breath!!
                                                                 "you are entering the house of pain"

Memories of Canada

There is nothing better than shaping you in your formative years than travel and living in a foreign country. This helps one in accepting different styles and perspectives and being a tolerant and open-minded person in general. It allows one to be an outsider for a while and this is conducive to positive growth and development as it allows analysis of cultural differences and where one stands in ones own personal beliefs.
For me , i feel that the five years that i spent in Canada during my college years were crucial in shaping me and making me who i am today. Arriving in Canada to a college campus during orientation week was an eye opening experience to say the least!! The crazy purple jacketed engineers who persisted in terrorizing the frosh, the upper year students lounging with cans of beer outside their apartments, the majestic limestone buildings and the anticipation of what lay ahead was an incredible feeling.
Though i suspect this was not so for my father who looked rather ashen and devastated at the prospect of leaving me alone in a new country where i knew no-one, for me however the possibilities were endless and i felt a weight being lifted off of me and the excitement of something new beginning.
I was not prepared however for the changes that were to take place in me over the next few years, from a wide eyed innocent first year to a considerably more jaded upper year student who had experienced everything that had been so foreign and exotic what seemed like a lifetime ago. The experience was bitter sweet however as i experienced loss of my first love, disappointment in myself at my inability to accomplish all i wanted, fear that time was passing too fast and the experience had been too fleeting.
I lost close friends which was devastating as i had never known such close friendships before i attended college. The level of trust and interdependence i shared with my best friend was something truly special and magical for me and losing people i loved to distance was not easy especially since i had let much of my old life go in my years away.
Sometimes now i look back at my experiences and am in awe of what i had the privilege to experience during those five years.
1) mind opening and horizon broadening classes and understanding that i was allowed to think and question beyond what i had known, this in turn lead to rejection of some of what i had grown up with but made me who i am.
2) A realization that hard work begets hard work, this was primarily realized through experience when i went through a difficult process of settling down to focus on my studies. When i finally managed to gain a steady momentum and excitement about my work, the feeling of reward and euphoria was exhilarating. While i had been a hard worker at school, we were carefully guided and very little was left to chance and ourselves, the desire to please  my parents  was always a major factor in my performance. Here i realized that someday i would be on my own to pursue my own dreams and if i did not perform no-one was accountable but me.
3)An understanding that independence was a great thing and not scary or intimidating as i had thought it to be living in the sanctuary of my parents home.

These were some life changing revelations for me as navigated my five year journey through my college years. On a lighter note i miss
1) the friendliness of Canadians
2) poutine!!!
3) Tim Hortons coffee and iced Cappucinos
4) endless hours spent at indigo books
5) Even the Canadian Winter!!!! imagine that!
6) Barenaked ladies
7)Raccoons which i saw for the first time  (three of them running in a line)
 8)Rollerblading in the middle of the night!
 9) thanksgiving and Christmas with friends

Here i went sky diving, was a bridesmaid at my best friends wedding, got my first tattoo and got my first shot at making my own decisions.

I miss you Canada, you enriched my life in a  very special way!

On combating depression

I have been going on and off anxiety medication since my early twenties with no apparent results.  The feelings of anxiety and angst continue and i continually fight to contain my desire to sleep the day away. This is hard enough without the responsibility of a child, with a child depression takes on another dimension with the guilt that you are not spending enough time with your child, that you are an inadequate parent, wife and daughter, knowing well that those around you are attributing your malaise to lack of motivation and laziness.
If i put myself in their shoes, i cannot blame them at all, i would feel the same, especially when i look at my peers and what they have accomplished so far, i am inadequate in many ways.
The struggle to gain approval and the quickness with which you cut away relationships when you face rejection , however minor and insignificant, the vicious cycle of self doubt and giving up too soon all of these are experiences which negatively impact ones future successes..
Recently though i have been trying other means of combating depression, namely exercise and it really works! I find that if i don\t exercise i lose a day to sleep and aimlessness. Another means that i have recently undertaken is blogging, i have always wanted to blog but have always failed to maintain a blog, however these days i enjoy the act of blogging in the evening as a way to express myself , to release feelings that i  have not been able to express without the stress of performance.
I hope i can continue to maintain this. Natural endorphin are so much better than the medicinal kind.

Jag Alskar dig Sverige

I love Sweden, so very much. We spent two wonderful years there and had many experiences that we will always cherish.
We loved to bike around with my daugher proudly perched in a bike seat behind me adorned in a pink(her favourite helmet) She would points out nuts and mushrooms as we went by. My bike was the first purchase i made on arrival in Sweden , the second being a bike seat for my daughter. This was a purchase that changed my life, made us mobile, rain or shine we were able to go from one place to another via the numerous bike paths through stunning scenery. As we were about to leave Sweden we had gotten to a stage where my child was able to bike beside me on her own bike, made me proud, i had been looking forward to the day when she would bike sans training wheels.
We enjoyed being outdoors and being able to pick berries  from the forests. We saw many, different sorts of mushrooms (my child loved mushrooms) We swam in the lake in the summer  on the hot days when being indoors was intolerable, barbequed sun, rain or snow.
We learned a new language and culture, breaking through cultural barriers, or at least trying to do so.
We learned something new everyday and it makes me proud when i think of how well my little girl has adjusted , learnt a new language with a mind boggling fluency,  me? i can speak Swedish to save my life but can't have a indepth conversation , still not bad considering ....
We saw hedgehogs for the first time here and were enchanted by these spiky little creatures who could curl up in a prickly ball at any imminent threat. their cute little faces melted our hearts!
More than anything we made friends that we care about deeply and miss!
So heres to Sweden , the best two years of my life! I hope to see you again soon!

 

So i'm back after a long hiatus, everything has changed yet everything is the same. We are back from Sweden after deciding against making a decision to stay there for the long term. We threw in our cards in favour of Karachi and are more or less settled here for the next few years. Yet i'm not sure how i feel, a year into the move , i still feel an immense sense of angst and unease and i can't seem to pinpoint why.
Maybe i'm lonely, maybe i feel displaced and unable to connect with those around me, maybe i feel guilt and anxiety at disappointing my parents, whatever the reason, i have started to resort to escapism, hiding in my own personal space and avoiding my world around.
Maybe this stems from my own issues with self esteem and fear of rejection, maybe this stems from failure to address the root causes of my malaise and lack of motivation to act on this. Maybe i should be doing something about it.
To be honest i feel ashamed, i see people around me doing and acting , helping, volunteering, putting themselves out there , whether it be for charitable work, for artistic work or for any other achievement and me ? i continue to hide myself away and worry about the possibility of wasting my life in the process?
This has to change.