identity crisis

I grew up in Karachi, Pakistan a diverse , vibrant city with a charm all its own. Growing up in a country that had once been colonized by the British and with more than a touch of the colonial influence remaining was a unique experience. Studying in a school that had been a school for British colonial settlers back in colonial times, following a British educational system and learning English as a first language, I grew up with a somewhat confused identity.

However this only became clear to me when I left the country to pursue my studies in Canada when i had to re-evaluate who I was in light of the different cultural influences that I came in contact with. It is said that identity is strengthened by who you are not rather than by who you are. Meeting others who are different from you makes you think about who you are in relation to them. During this process i learned much about my own identity confusion. When I identified myself as a Pakistani i had to take into consideration that I did not fit in many ways into the typical mould of what a Pakistani was expected to be due to the cultural influence of the colonizers. Having a British grandmother who had lived with us for most of my life and had been a huge influence on me during my formative and adult years also contributed to my feeling somewhat 'different' in the society I lived in.

Returning back to Pakistan after my studies made me feel somewhat 'normal' again and after a struggle to assimilate into the country of my birth, i started to feel that my identity crisis was resolved. Yet after marriage and a baby i travelled again to Sweden for further studies where my identity again was called into question as i struggled to fit into this new completely different society with its own unique cultural traditions, language and national identity.

I am only just formulating a global identity for myself based on whoI am as a unique individual . So far it has been an interesting ride and i have learned a lot about myself in the process.

scattered reflections

So maintaining a blog is harder than i thought. Its been a long time since i posted. Its been a tumultuous time with so many emotions self doubts and worries. Being a student at thirty struggling to manage parenthood with studies leaves me tired, drained of energy, and feeling that my performance is mediocre in both areas.

The pressure to find a job after graduation increases everyday and my lack of self belief makes me believe that no-one will hire me. Even a solid academic performance does not help the matter and i continue to suffer from feelings of doubt. What does it take to improve self confidence? therapy, changing my internal process of thinking? or has my constant self bashing become an instilled part of my identity? How will it affect my little girl to have a mom constantly putting herself down?

All these questions plague me and its hard to find peace of mind.

I try to tell myself that i have a great family and friends. I'm so thankful for my little girl who is the love of my life and whose big brown eyes and non-stop chatter brighten my day, a great husband whose company i enjoy and who looks after me in so many different ways , who accepts my idiosyncratic habits and parents who have loved and cared for me and made me feel safe and secure all my life. so why then the need for this self doubt when life is good and there are others who have it so much worse?

In all other ways life has treated me well, my daughter continues to thrive at daycare , my studies are going well, my husband has been visiting for the last week and has given me a new lease of life and we have been catching up with good friends in the new society we live in so maybe this blog post ends on a positive note! or maybe blogging is as therapeutic as i have heard from other bloggers!

So till next time! hopefully it will be sooner than later