On combating depression

I have been going on and off anxiety medication since my early twenties with no apparent results.  The feelings of anxiety and angst continue and i continually fight to contain my desire to sleep the day away. This is hard enough without the responsibility of a child, with a child depression takes on another dimension with the guilt that you are not spending enough time with your child, that you are an inadequate parent, wife and daughter, knowing well that those around you are attributing your malaise to lack of motivation and laziness.
If i put myself in their shoes, i cannot blame them at all, i would feel the same, especially when i look at my peers and what they have accomplished so far, i am inadequate in many ways.
The struggle to gain approval and the quickness with which you cut away relationships when you face rejection , however minor and insignificant, the vicious cycle of self doubt and giving up too soon all of these are experiences which negatively impact ones future successes..
Recently though i have been trying other means of combating depression, namely exercise and it really works! I find that if i don\t exercise i lose a day to sleep and aimlessness. Another means that i have recently undertaken is blogging, i have always wanted to blog but have always failed to maintain a blog, however these days i enjoy the act of blogging in the evening as a way to express myself , to release feelings that i  have not been able to express without the stress of performance.
I hope i can continue to maintain this. Natural endorphin are so much better than the medicinal kind.

Jag Alskar dig Sverige

I love Sweden, so very much. We spent two wonderful years there and had many experiences that we will always cherish.
We loved to bike around with my daugher proudly perched in a bike seat behind me adorned in a pink(her favourite helmet) She would points out nuts and mushrooms as we went by. My bike was the first purchase i made on arrival in Sweden , the second being a bike seat for my daughter. This was a purchase that changed my life, made us mobile, rain or shine we were able to go from one place to another via the numerous bike paths through stunning scenery. As we were about to leave Sweden we had gotten to a stage where my child was able to bike beside me on her own bike, made me proud, i had been looking forward to the day when she would bike sans training wheels.
We enjoyed being outdoors and being able to pick berries  from the forests. We saw many, different sorts of mushrooms (my child loved mushrooms) We swam in the lake in the summer  on the hot days when being indoors was intolerable, barbequed sun, rain or snow.
We learned a new language and culture, breaking through cultural barriers, or at least trying to do so.
We learned something new everyday and it makes me proud when i think of how well my little girl has adjusted , learnt a new language with a mind boggling fluency,  me? i can speak Swedish to save my life but can't have a indepth conversation , still not bad considering ....
We saw hedgehogs for the first time here and were enchanted by these spiky little creatures who could curl up in a prickly ball at any imminent threat. their cute little faces melted our hearts!
More than anything we made friends that we care about deeply and miss!
So heres to Sweden , the best two years of my life! I hope to see you again soon!

 

So i'm back after a long hiatus, everything has changed yet everything is the same. We are back from Sweden after deciding against making a decision to stay there for the long term. We threw in our cards in favour of Karachi and are more or less settled here for the next few years. Yet i'm not sure how i feel, a year into the move , i still feel an immense sense of angst and unease and i can't seem to pinpoint why.
Maybe i'm lonely, maybe i feel displaced and unable to connect with those around me, maybe i feel guilt and anxiety at disappointing my parents, whatever the reason, i have started to resort to escapism, hiding in my own personal space and avoiding my world around.
Maybe this stems from my own issues with self esteem and fear of rejection, maybe this stems from failure to address the root causes of my malaise and lack of motivation to act on this. Maybe i should be doing something about it.
To be honest i feel ashamed, i see people around me doing and acting , helping, volunteering, putting themselves out there , whether it be for charitable work, for artistic work or for any other achievement and me ? i continue to hide myself away and worry about the possibility of wasting my life in the process?
This has to change.