scattered reflections

So maintaining a blog is harder than i thought. Its been a long time since i posted. Its been a tumultuous time with so many emotions self doubts and worries. Being a student at thirty struggling to manage parenthood with studies leaves me tired, drained of energy, and feeling that my performance is mediocre in both areas.

The pressure to find a job after graduation increases everyday and my lack of self belief makes me believe that no-one will hire me. Even a solid academic performance does not help the matter and i continue to suffer from feelings of doubt. What does it take to improve self confidence? therapy, changing my internal process of thinking? or has my constant self bashing become an instilled part of my identity? How will it affect my little girl to have a mom constantly putting herself down?

All these questions plague me and its hard to find peace of mind.

I try to tell myself that i have a great family and friends. I'm so thankful for my little girl who is the love of my life and whose big brown eyes and non-stop chatter brighten my day, a great husband whose company i enjoy and who looks after me in so many different ways , who accepts my idiosyncratic habits and parents who have loved and cared for me and made me feel safe and secure all my life. so why then the need for this self doubt when life is good and there are others who have it so much worse?

In all other ways life has treated me well, my daughter continues to thrive at daycare , my studies are going well, my husband has been visiting for the last week and has given me a new lease of life and we have been catching up with good friends in the new society we live in so maybe this blog post ends on a positive note! or maybe blogging is as therapeutic as i have heard from other bloggers!

So till next time! hopefully it will be sooner than later