So I'm back after a long time! I just can't seem to get the hang of maintaining a blog, I started this blog with high expectations of faithfully maintaining it and establishing blogging contacts. However i never got around to it. Somehow life came in the way. Life with all the anxiety, depression, feelings of spiritual emptiness and loss of meaning. So i'm back again, back to this blog so that i can put my mixed emotions and feelings into words, maybe in order to understand them better myself.
I'm 34 now and so terribly depressed and unhappy with my life so far. I don't know why i can't accept things the way they are. Why am i so stationary in terms my emotional, professional and social development. Why do I carry with me such rage and bitterness in my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful and supportive family, so why am i just not grateful? I follow blogs of fellow moms, I realize that others have faced greater hardships than me, have faced these hardships with much more grace and humor and honesty than i am able to.
Rather than being able to change myself and accept my lot in life,I cling to old grudges, let go of friendships and put up more and more barriers.
More than anything I feel bitterness at what others have accomplished and at my own ineptness and for that I feel hatred for myself, I feel that sometimes I would be better off dead, than i think of my daughter with sunshine and mischief in her eyes and i banish such thoughts from my mind.
I have had a lot of time for soul searching lately and i have realize something crucial, something that can explain my bitterness , my feelings of inadequacy and rage and a increasing feeling of being isolated and alone in my negativity, I thoroughly dislike myself, who I am and what I stand for, somewhere I feel that i want to erase my identity and who i am and be someone else.
I want to change so bad but am so deep in that i can't fathom how i can get out.
I'm 34 now and so terribly depressed and unhappy with my life so far. I don't know why i can't accept things the way they are. Why am i so stationary in terms my emotional, professional and social development. Why do I carry with me such rage and bitterness in my heart.
I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful and supportive family, so why am i just not grateful? I follow blogs of fellow moms, I realize that others have faced greater hardships than me, have faced these hardships with much more grace and humor and honesty than i am able to.
Rather than being able to change myself and accept my lot in life,I cling to old grudges, let go of friendships and put up more and more barriers.
More than anything I feel bitterness at what others have accomplished and at my own ineptness and for that I feel hatred for myself, I feel that sometimes I would be better off dead, than i think of my daughter with sunshine and mischief in her eyes and i banish such thoughts from my mind.
I have had a lot of time for soul searching lately and i have realize something crucial, something that can explain my bitterness , my feelings of inadequacy and rage and a increasing feeling of being isolated and alone in my negativity, I thoroughly dislike myself, who I am and what I stand for, somewhere I feel that i want to erase my identity and who i am and be someone else.
I want to change so bad but am so deep in that i can't fathom how i can get out.
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